Friday, June 17, 2011

cbej.

I saw you as you entered the world, and left the place of warmth I had for you.

I watched you sleep in a crib that seemed  much too large for you, and I prayed for the day God would draw you to him, and multiply your talents, to glorify and honor Him; to step into that place of presence He had for you.

I saw you leave my arms, take your first steps, and leave that place of safety I had for you.

I watched you walk into school, in a smart red polo nearly hidden by a backpack the size of you, leaving the home & shelter I had for you.

I watched you pack your things, preparing to move to a new state & culture. This time I was going with you, headed toward a new life, and we both left the place of familiarity God had for us.

I cheesily snapped your picture on your first day as a senior in high school, in a smart orange polo, this time a backpack dwarfed by your grown-up stature. You were leaving the place of childhood I once had for you, and it was time.

I watched you unzip a big orange suitcase, ready to pack for a new adventure - an opportunity only God could have laid out for you, for who knew that someday my prayers would be so sweetly answered, and your gifts and talents would bless and encourage countless people? Only He knew, and you are now leaving the place of nurturing and providence I have had for you.

You will discover God's providence & tender mercies toward you. It is time.

And if you see me cry, it is with tears of joy and thankfulness.I am thankful that God has equipped you & called you, and that you are obediently going. I am thankful for the infinite ways you have blessed my life, my heart, and our family. I will miss you dearly, and be oh, so happy to see you when you grace my doorway again. I love you, like you, adore you, and am so very proud of you. Go with my blessing, my son.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Our precious oldest son is about to leave our warm, cozy nest. He will be back, of course, but for now, he hails to Florida. He will be a precious addition to a  worship team there, that travels with our evangelist brother-in-law, Tommie Zito.

Tommie preaches an intense, desperate message, called for in these desperate times, pleading with Americans (and foreign nationals) to give their hearts to Christ, today. It is urgent, and one that will hopefully be enhance by Christian's sweet spirit and longing to please and honor God. He leaves early, June 24th, and we will likely see him again in October, when the team holds a crusade in Utah. Blessings on you, Christian, Tommie, and the whole lot of you!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

AND, the journey is brought to an abrupt, screeching halt...

as the birthmom changes her mind and announces she'd like to keep her baby. After several weeks of allowing clean laundry, boxes from unpacking, winter gear, and outgrown little girls' clothes to accumulate in my increasingly-messy bedroom, I asked my husband to pack up the stacks of baby boy clothes I could not bring myself to face. Now I can proceed with the organizing project I have half-done.

Empty arms. I can't decide if this is more or less painful than a miscarriage. In a way, easier - bc w a miscarriage, there is the self-inflicted guilt of knowing somehow your body did not "do its job" properly. More difficult, bc there isn't peace in knowing that baby now resides with the Lord, but with a young, inexperienced mom who may not give him the same love and care that you would. Either way you slice it, it is just plain yukky, and sad. That heartache is coupled with the fact that my oldest, darling son is soon leaving to go out into the real world. Parents must typically not realize what a gem their child is until they are faced with losing them, or at least a distinct separation from them. I get choked up at the oddest moments...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Letting go...

Phew.

nearly 48 hours ago, I read an email from my brother in law who is a traveling evangelist. He was offering an invitation to my oldest son to join his traveling ministry, leading worship, and, I assume, doing some daily grunt work with the rest of the over-the-road team. It would be an expenses-paid internship, Christian would receive college credit through the Bible college that my b-i-l is heading up in Florida. He would be surrounded by people whose life goal is to serve God and spread the truth of Jesus Christ. What more could a mother want?

I'll tell you.

MORE. TIME. I know people often say this when they lose a loved one, and I haven't *lost* anyone. I should be rejoicing for such a God-ordained opportunity for my incredibly talented and God-fearing son....but what keeps running through my mind? "There wasn't enough time. I wasn't ready". Thankfully, I do have at least 3 more months until he would board a plane and head toward a new, fabulous adventure. He'll have awesome opportunities to meet people and see places a lot of teens only dream of. This boy TOTALLY deserves this. I couldn't be happier. I also couldn't be sadder! I keep telling myself  "I am not sad, just emotional", and this is the truth. I am just mourning this feeling of loss, and the accompanying guilt that every mother must have. "Did I teach him enough? Can he change the oil in his car? Will he remember to take vitamins? Does he know what to put on a burn? Does he know how long leftovers can remain in the fridge before they should no longer be eaten?..."

And, to be very transparent, "Will he miss me like I know I will miss him?"
Not that it matters. This is *supposed* to happen. He is supposed to leave, go off and be independent, discover what God has for him "out there". And, I as his mother am supposed to rejoice. This child has an enviable relationship with the Lord. He heard the news of this opportunity yesterday, smirked in his quirky way, asked "When would I go?", then went directly to his room to play his guitar and sing praise and worship songs at the top of his lungs. That made me cry MORE! I am so incredibly grateful. God has blessed him incredibly, and he is humbly thankful. It is so refreshing. It is so moving. Today, it feels so....huge. We've been praying for the "right doors to open" for Christian...we considered a few college options, he and I have discussed them a couple of times, he was not at all crazy about the one I deemed "safe" - the one that would offer him a fairly "promising" future. So, we wondered, waited, trusted....then this. This is more provision than I ever imagined - not only financially, but opportunistically. So, while searching for a Godly book that offers support to grieving mothers saying good-bye to their adult children in a *healthy* way, I decided that God's word was the best answer, and I am striving to meditate on these things & pray them over my suddenly-all-grown-up son...



Isaiah 26:3
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Psalm 91:11
For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways.
I Peter 5:7
casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you.

Thank God He cares more for my sweet boy than I ever could. I know Christian will be safe, and blessed, and God will give me the strength to continue to pour love into my children who remain in my home. Thank God for the day I see that giant boy's smiling face grace my doorway again!
Proverbs 16:3
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Psalm 34:7
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

answered questions...

It has been interesting - watching people's reaction when they hear we are adopting. I may have pictures up here soon, so you can relate to my family when I blog about them, but for now, you can just imagine :-)

We have 5 natural children. Christian (18), Gabe (nearly 17), Luke (15), Victoria (13), and Emmanuelle (9). Most of our friends have been very excited for us, I think this is largely due to the fact that we have taught a number of parenting classes at our church, and those close to us know that we are managing to raise fairly responsible and respectable young adults. (Actually, they are amazing, fabulous, kids with phenomenal reputations, but I don't want to sound too proud!) there are others, though, who look at us a little cross-eyed...so, I hope to help readers understand what people are THINKING, adding MORE kids to their home!

Q: Why do you want more kids?
A: Because we ADORE the ones we've got, who wouldn't want more of an awesome, amazing thing?

Q: how will you afford another person, when you have often struggled financially?
A: honestly, we never afforded any of them. God provides what all of them need, all the time. yes, we work to bring in money, and a slow economy hit us very hard in the field of fancy carpentry work, but God has always been faithful. there is no logic when you are being obedient, and we clearly feel like this particular baby is something God is handing in our direction, asking "are you willing?" If we relied on our own strength to make this "work" - none of it ever would. I would be a nervous wreck, my husband would be in an institution somewhere, and our family would have no testimony. What would be the point of life then? "What has God done for you?": "Oh, not much, I pretty much do it all myself". wooHOO? That will not likely draw people to a loving, caring, miraculous Savior!

Q: do you REALIZE the gap(!) there will be between your kids now and the new baby?
A: YES! It freaks me out, bc I don't want to raise a little piece of royalty, which is almost inevitable when 7 other people think you are so "CUTE"! So, God & I are discussing that one now - and He knows my heart. Yes, I'd like to add another, and all of these questions & answers will apply then, too!

Q: Won't the act of adding a newborn to the lives of your teenagers be very difficult?
A: Probably, BUT - who wouldn't want to marry a sweet young man that is comfortable around babies, and knows they really aren't so scary? When Ben and I were married, and had baby #1 eleven months after our wedding day, they cradled an adorable little blonde boy wrapped in a blanket like a hot dog, and said "Here, Daddy". His eyes grew wide and he was SCARED.TO.DEATH. it only took seconds for him to be in love, but the fear remained for YEARS! Babies were foreign to him, and it breaks my heart still. School make sure we learn all about the Gettysburg address and how to add fractions, but to be comfortable around spit-up, poopy diapers, or a crying wife & baby? well, you're on your own there. I don't want that for my sons. NO, I can't keep adding babies forever to remedy that problem, BUT, before long, there will be grandchildren, which means nieces & nephews, and those little aunts/uncles will get their baby exposure then.

Q; Are you really "ready" for all the trouble a baby brings? (it will be 10 years when Bibi arrives.) Sleepless nights, stinky diapers, crying, baby paraphernalia *everywhere*...
A: YES!! All of that discomfort and inconvenience is totally worth it to pour into the life of someone so precious, and raise them to serve & honor God.

Q: what will y ou name the baby?
A: I prefer Axel for a boy, and, I think, Scarlett for a girl. Axel, a Danish name, is in Ben's family tree, and means "Father of peace", If there was ever a time we needed peace brought into our home, it will be with this new addition! Scarlett, of course, means red - but it has deeper significance to me. When Emmanuelle was born a 27-week preemie, there was a tremendous amount of fear surrounding the whole event, which caused us to decide on a sterilization procedure. I knew in my heart it was not the right thing to do, but fear superseded hearing from God that day, and the permanent damage was done. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but I knew it was for us, and my husband agrees. I always felt God was saying "you aren't done yet", so I've waited. Back to the name - Scarlett, and its meaning, "red" - everything in the Bible regarding covenants has to do with blood, and the color red, and more specifically, the story regarding the overtaking of Jericho and the scarlet thread that signified that family that would receive (Godly) protection. because of that promise I felt God made to use, that there would me be more children in the future, this precious baby seems to signify that, I and I want to honor God by making a statement about what He has done. Our other name considerations? Magnus for a boy, and Mercedes or Dahlia for a girl.

Q: So, WHY another baby?
A: Because, in the words of a dear, adoptive mother friend of mine, "Your kids are the only thing you take to heaven with you."

Friday, January 21, 2011

sign up for a free mixer!

not that this has much to do with new babies, BUT....if you have a *lot* of babies at your house, a mixer is sure awonderful thing to own, especially when your hubby makes pizza from scratch regularly. the poor guy has been mixing enormous batches of dough by hand for some time now, since the kitchenaid gear stripped out!

so ~ if you go here you can enter their drawing several different ways. while you're at it, check out the helpful hints they offer regarding food/shopping/cooking.

and have a lovely day!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

More details, and a baby-sized title.

The babe has been officially dubbed "Bibi" - it is Swedish for "alive" - which we would very much like it to be!

The Momma seems very happy with her decision, I spoke with the Grandmom & Granddad today, and they too are peaceful about the whole arrangement. I think adopting is more difficult than a physical pregnancy, and I have a newfound respect for women who go through this process. it is a HUGE waiting game, filled with uncertainties that extend beyond "will the baby have my eyes or his?", or, "will this angel be born a little hyperactive, or very, very quiet?". No, this is much different . It is "will I be there to witness the birth, will I be heartbroken if I miss it?", "will the momma cry at the sight of me, and the pain I am representing in her life?",  "will the journey of explaining how you came to join our family be a trying, emotional one filled with resentment, or gratitude?"

Lord, help me please, to love this little one just like I have loved our other children. Please have little Bibi know that they are such a treasure, and that a tremendous amount of thought and respect was poured into creating a life where Bibi is encouraged to be who God wants him/her to be, while heart and mind are shaped with tenderness. Thank you for the gift you've created, please give me the strength to do a very, very good job. Amen.

AND, the journey begins...


SO.....as of this week, we have agreed to adopt a precious baby from louisiana! we had not been actively pursuing adoption, but it was on our hearts to do if God ever provided a clear path for it. I just am not sure my faith was ever big enough to request of God that He provide the thousands of dollars an agency requires to finalize expanding a family. however - I DID have faith that God could to something creative, which he did. a college student whose family we know fairly well fell pregnant. In addition to wanting her precious child to grow up in a home with 2 parents and lots of loving siblings, she is not wanting to give up her college scholarship or her dreams of doing something great in the world, so she has given us the honor of becoming adoptive parents!

We've had nearly 10 years since the 27-week birth of Emmanuelle and a subsequent tubal ligation, waiting for it to FAIL. (I know - helLO? looong story.) The new babe is due 2 days before Emme turns 10. I've heard countless times that a 10 year window is pretty typical for a tubal to fail, so in my mind, I always guessed we'd add a child in about 10 years. I just didn't know it would happen *this* way!

I canNOT describe how absolutely amazed, humbled, grateful, and blessed I feel to be a part of this whole process! we do not yet know the gender of the babe, but i will be keeping everyone posted, and this blog will once again become an active one, bc I have something to talk about! love you all!